The Elements of Attractiveness

The Elements of Attractiveness. Discover the evolutionary reason why smell, facial symmetry, voice pitch, financial stability and kissing prowess may make you more attractive.

Physical attraction may be as old as time, but new studies are beginning to uncover the science behind sex appeal.

Unexpected factors — like smell, facial symmetry, voice pitch, financial stability and kissing prowess — just might have more to do with your choice of mate than anyone ever expected. Discover the evolutionary explanations.

1. Smell

A spritz on the wrist. A dab behind the ears. Many men and women spend a lot of time — and money — searching for a signature scent that attracts the opposite sex. Little do they know, these lotions and potions actually mask the natural odors scientists say potential mates find most appealing.

Karl Grammer and Elizabeth Oberzaucher, researchers who study how the human scent influences sexual attraction, found that when women are ovulating, they produce pheromones called copulins. Copulins have a distinct smell, which Elizabeth describes as "butter gone off."

When a man gets a whiff of copulins, his testosterone levels rise. As a result, he secretes androstenone, an odor that repels women who aren't ovulating.

Sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman says science and evolution plays a larger role in attraction than people might think. "We are capable of discerning 10,000 different scents consciously," she says. "But then there's a whole realm of unconscious scents that we're not even aware that we're smelling."

In one recent study, Dr. Berman says researchers had women smell men's T-shirts. The women were most attracted to the shirts of men whose major histocompatability complexes (MHC) differed from theirs. MHC is a collection of genes that are related to immune systems. "We unconsciously want to mate with someone who has a different immune system than ours," Dr. Berman says. "That helps with the survival of our offspring."

2. Voice

If you're like most women, you haven't considered the pitch of your voice since middle school choir practice … but maybe you should.

In one experiment, Dr. Gordon Gallup, a professor at the State University of New York at Albany, asked 10 men to rate the attractiveness of 10 female voices. Some audio clips came from the same women at different times during their menstrual cycles. During ovulation, women produce more estrogen, which raises the pitch of their voices.

Across the board, the men said they preferred the higher-pitched voices, an unconscious indication of fertility. "When females are midcycle, when they're the most fertile, the most likely to conceive, their voices are rated as being significantly more attractive," he says.

3. Facial Features

It's hard to pinpoint what distinguishes a gorgeous face from an average one, but some researchers are getting pretty close.

Psychologist Dr. Lisa DeBruine of the University of Aberdeen in Scotland says she's found that female faces become more attractive to men when the women are ovulating. "We think that the women might look healthier, have a bit of a healthier glow when they are ovulating," Dr. DeBruine says.

Symmetry is another factor that determines a face's attractiveness. Dr. Kendra Schmid, an assistant professor of biostatistics at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, says there is a equation for the "perfect" face. She uses 29 different measurements to determine someone's appeal on a scale of 1 to 10.

Dr. Schmid says the ratio of the length of the face to the width of the face should be 1.6, also known as the "golden ratio."

Whose face is the most "perfect," according to Dr. Schmid's measurements? No big surprise here! "Brad Pitt's is the highest [celebrity] that I've ever used the [formula] on," she says. "He was a 9.3."

Most people rate about 4 to 6. "There's never been anyone who was a perfect 10," Dr. Schmid says. "If you're out there, we're looking for you!"

4. Financial Stability

Anyone who's ever wondered if an older man's companion is his daughter or his date knows attraction isn't all biological. Sometimes, it's logical.

During one study, researchers asked women to look at the face of a man whom she knows nothing about and rate his attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10. Then, they showed women the same face, but this time, the photo was paired with a corresponding income.

The results? When a man makes a lot of money, a woman will rate him higher on an attractiveness scale than she would rate that same man if he had a smaller income.

Dr. Berman says this doesn't prove that women are gold diggers. "It goes back again to evolution. When we were having babies who were very dependent on us, we couldn't hunt and take care of ourselves, so we were looking for the man who had the most social status, who was the best hunter, who was going to bring home the biggest chunk of meat for our babies," she says. "It's the same thing today."

5. Kissing

If you're trying to consciously assess the future of a relationship, Dr. Berman says there's one surefire way — a kiss. "You really learn a lot from a kiss," she says. "You're seeing if you like the way he smells. All your senses are engaged, and you get a sense of his sensuality, his connection, whether he's a take-charge kind of guy or more of a stepping back kind."

In fact, Dr. Berman says 66 percent of women say they would dump a guy after a bad first kiss.

When it comes to relationships, Dr. Berman says kissing frequency is a direct indicator of happiness. "It turns out that couples who kiss and cuddle regularly are eight times less likely to be stressed and depressed than couples who don't get that," she says. "You have to have a minimum of a 10-second kiss every day." [ msn.com ]

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What Our Kids Teach Us About Happiness

What Our Kids Teach Us About Happiness. When it comes to following your bliss, kids have the art down pat. Here, moms share the make-you-smile secrets they've learned from their little ones. One day, on my way home from a run of errands gone bad, I swung by to pick up my son, Nate, then 8, who'd been playing at a friend's house. While he chattered about the fun he'd had, my mind churned through all I'd failed to get done. "Will Dad be home for dinner?" he asked. "Think so," I said. "Great! What are we having?" he asked. Good question. "Uh, how about macaroni and cheese?" I replied. A deep sigh of contentment came from the backseat. "I love my life," Nate said. His words were like a mood defibrillator. My son's simple satisfaction lifted me straight out of my autopilot loop of worry and let me see my life with fresh appreciation: I was driving down a beautiful mountain road on a glorious summer's day with my wonderful son, with the prospect of a cozy family dinner at home — I loved my life, too! What else do kids have to teach you about enjoying life? A lot. Read on for 11 more real moms' aha! moments. Choose your mood "When my daughter, Jessica, was a preschooler, she was learning all about choices — you can have a cookie or a scoop of ice cream, but not both; you can wear the green sweater or the blue one, but not both. She was also learning about emotions, and she'd ask, 'Is Mama happy? Is Mama sad? Is Mama mad?' One especially trying day, after I'd yelled a lot, she asked, 'Is Mama mad?' I told her, 'No, Mama's not mad anymore.' And she said, 'Mama picked happy!' She was right! I was struggling very hard to calm down, so I was choosing to be happy. Now every time I veer toward a rotten mood, I try to remember I can 'pick happy.'" — Jennifer Lawler, 41, Lawrence, KS Love generously
"My son, Jonathan, 6, is constantly teaching me how to express love -- with passion, creativity, and volume. In the supermarket, he'll shout, 'Mom, I love you more than all the blades of sand on the beach!' and plant a kiss on my cheek. While watching TV, he'll squeeze his baby sister and declare, 'You are so cute I can't stand it!' He shows me that the path to happiness is appreciating those you love and telling them so as often as you can."

— Karen Reivich, 40, Narberth, PA

Skip a little
"When my daughter, Deanna, was 5, she skipped everywhere. It didn't matter what the occasion -- holidays, parties, going to the store — she skipped. When I asked her why, she told me skipping made her happy. 'You can't be mad and skipping, Mom,' she said. And it's true! So we skip -- I skip, she skips, even my husband skips."

— Daphne Bahamonde, 35, Rochester, NY

Turn to-do's into to-enjoys "One fall, my then 1 1/2-year-old son, Brent, and I were raking leaves in our yard. As he played nearby, I was overexerting myself and practically cursing all the trees for having made such a mess. Then I looked over at my son. He was in an area I hadn't raked yet, stepping on the dry leaves to hear the crackling noise they made, and smiling happily. He taught me that some chores are pleasures if you choose to look at them that way."

--Kris Porotsky, 34, Cincinnati

Redefine success "One day, my 4-year-old, Megan, went with me to the post office to mail orders for my online retail business. I was wishing I had 77 orders to mail rather than a paltry seven. Meanwhile, Megan was excitedly counting the orders into the drop box, exclaiming, 'Mommy! There are seven new people who are going to love your work!' She reminded me to take pleasure in what I had accomplished instead of being disappointed by what I hadn't."

— Beth Butler, 46, Tampa

Recapture your childhood bliss "While swinging one day, my son, James, 3, closed his eyes and stretched out his arms as the wind blew through his hair. He had the most delightful smile — one of pure pleasure — the kind you only see on a child's face. I decided to swing next to him, closing my eyes and letting my senses guide me, just like he did. I heard the wind in my ears and felt the rhythm of swinging. In that moment I experienced complete freedom and sheer pleasure."

— Laura Lundy, 42, Nelson, BC

Go on impulse "When my daughter was 2, she was helping me 'fold' the laundry when she suddenly stripped off her nightgown, put on a pair of her daddy's clean undies (which came up to her armpits), and started dancing. She was so carefree. It made me realize that I need to cut loose and enjoy myself more — not wearing my hubby's underpants, but in other ways."

— Pam Stahler, 45, Littleton, CO

Be a best friend
"My daughter's best friend got home from school early one day and called with big news. Both she and my 6-year-old daughter had lost a tooth on the same day, at the very same hour! I learn so much about happiness from watching my daughter with her friend — seeing the way they care for each other, copy each other, sing together, even fight and make up. They remind me of how much I love my best friend, Laura, and to always take good care of our friendship."

— Miriam Peskowitz, 42, Mt. Airy, PA

Spread joy — insist on it!
"My toddler is so crazy about carrots that he often has one in each hand all day long. Once, he really wanted me to have some, and with sticky fingers covered in yogurt, he shoved his carrot in my mouth. He was so happy that he squealed, 'Bah!' at the top of his lungs when I took a bite. It was a reminder of the happiness that comes from sharing something we love with others."

— Jennifer Margulis, 36, Ashland,

OR

Pursue your passion "Nicholas, my 9-year-old son, is quite the artist. He needs to draw every day. I still remember how a few nights before he started kindergarten, he came downstairs way past his bedtime, paper in hand, exhausted. He said, 'I'm really tired, but I just have to color!' His passion for art reminds me how happy I am to be a writer, and I think of what he said whenever I get a rejection letter."

— Jen Singer, 39, Kinnelon, NJ

Savor joy while it lasts
"My 3-year-old son, Nate, loves cars. On one car ride, he was taking in the view of zillions of cars on the Ben Franklin Bridge when, to his delight, a big purple bus painted all over in ads rolled by. He took it all in with great glee. Then he raised a hand, said, 'Bye-bye!' and turned his head and fell asleep. Nate's happiness lesson: Don't cling to moments of perfect joy, just relish them and have faith that more will come."

- Andi Buchanan, 35, Philadelphia

[msn.com ]

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In Small Doses, Stress Is A Good Thing

In Small Doses, Stress Is A Good Thing. Tips for coping with stress. Coping with stress is easier when you identify your stress triggers and address them.

In small doses, stress is a good thing. It can energize and motivate you and perhaps even prevent or delay certain types of damage to your cells. But prolonged or excessive stress — the kind that overwhelms your ability to cope — can take a severe psychological and physical toll. High stress levels have been linked to depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, musculoskeletal problems, an impaired immune system and cancer.

The following tips may help reduce your stress.

Identify your stress triggers

Your genes, personality and life experiences all influence the way you respond to stress. Situations and events that are distressing for most people might not bother you in the least. Or, you may be particularly sensitive to even minor stressors. The first step in dealing with stress is identifying your particular stress triggers.

Some causes of stress are obvious — job loss, a divorce, the death of a loved one. But small, daily hassles and demands such as a long commute or trouble finding childcare also contribute to your stress level. Over time, small, persistent stressors can wreak more havoc than sudden, devastating events do.

Try one or more of these techniques to help identify the factors causing you stress:

• Keep a stress journal. For one week, note which events and situations cause a negative physical, mental or emotional response. Record the day and time. Give a brief description of the situation. Where were you? Who was involved? What seemed to cause the stress? Also, describe your reaction. What were your physical symptoms? How did you feel? What did you say or do? Finally, on a scale of 1 (not very intense) to 5 (very intense), rate the intensity of your stress.

• Make a list of all the demands on your time and energy for one week. Some examples may include your job, volunteer work, driving kids to after-school activities or caring for an elderly parent. Then, on a scale of 1 (not very intense) to 5 (very intense), rate the intensity of stress that each demand causes.

Sit down and look at your stress recordings. Pay particular attention to events that you ranked as very stressful. Select one of them to work on using problem-solving techniques. That means identifying and exploring the problem, looking for ways to resolve it, and selecting and implementing a solution.

Suppose, for instance, that you're behind at work because you leave early to pick up your son from school. You might check with other parents to see if your son can ride with them. Or, you might come in early, work through your lunch hour or take work home to catch up. The best way to cope with stress is to try to find a way to change the circumstances that are causing it.

Improve your time management skills

Effective time management skills can help you identify goals, set priorities and minimize stress in your life. Use these tips to improve your time management skills and lower your stress level.

• Create realistic expectations and deadlines for yourself, and set regular progress reviews.

• Throw away unimportant papers on your desk.

• Prepare a master list of tasks. Throughout the day, scan your master list and work on tasks in priority order.

• Use a planner. Store addresses and telephone numbers there. Copy tasks from your master list onto the page for the day on which you expect to do them. Evaluate and prioritize daily.

• For especially important or difficult projects, reserve an interruption-free block of time behind closed doors.

Extinguish job burnout

Nowhere is stress more likely than in the workplace. Twenty-five percent of people say that their job is the primary stressor in their lives. And the vast majority of workers believe that on-the-job stress is worse today than it was just 10 years ago.

Job stress can affect your professional and personal relationships, your livelihood, and your health.

Here are strategies you can use:

• Identify the source of the problem. Whether it's an unrealistic workload, job insecurity, inadequate compensation, office politics or a hostile work environment, you need to figure out what's making you miserable at work and then take steps to deal with it.

• Develop friendships at work and outside the office. Sharing unsettling feelings with people you trust is the first step toward resolving them. Minimize activities with "negative" people who only reinforce bad feelings.

• Take time off. Take a vacation or a long weekend. During the workday, take short breaks.

• Set limits. When necessary, learn to say no in a friendly but firm manner.

• Choose battles wisely. Don't rush to argue every time someone disagrees with you. Keep a cool head, and save your argument for things that really matter.

• Have an outlet. Read, enjoy a hobby, exercise or get involved in some other activity that is relaxing and gets your mind off work.

• Seek help. If none of these things relieves your feelings of stress or burnout, ask a health care professional for advice. [ MayoClinic.com ]

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Is Kissing Dangerous... ???!

Is Kissing Dangerous... ???!. “You’d better be careful whom you kiss,” I was told. I was in high school and infectious mononucleosis (also called mono) was “going around.” Kids missed school for a month; and everyone was told it was because “too many people were kissing too many people.” As it turns out, there were only two or three kids who had mono, and they didn’t even know each other. The rest of it was hysteria, rumor or myth. But I always wondered about “kissing disease,” as many called it. Was it really dangerous? Was kissing really so risky?

Mono is caused by infection with Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV). After exposure to EBV, there are usually no symptoms at all – in fact, up to 95 percent of adults have antibody evidence of past EBV infection even though the vast majority recalled no related illness. For reasons that remain unknown, only some people develop mono after exposure to EBV, with fatigue, headache, muscle or joint aches, fever, enlarged lymph nodes, and sore throat. While it is true that the virus is shed in the saliva and can be transmitted by kissing, mono is not a highly contagious illness and it can also be transmitted by other means, such as coughing or sneezing. Preventing the spread of EBV is not easy since there are often no symptoms. Even when there are, one may be contagious before the illness is recognized.

Other infections can cause illness resembling mono, including cytomegalovirus (CMV) and other viral infections. Blood tests usually can establish the diagnosis of mono when necessary.

There is no effective therapy for mono, although acetaminophen or ibuprofen and fluids can be helpful in relieving symptoms. The vast majority of people who have it recover completely within a week or two. Occasionally fatigue lasts more than month, but even then, a return to normal is expected. Because the spleen may become enlarged and could rupture if injured, persons with mono are advised to avoid contact sports for at least a month after recovery.

Infections related to kissing

During any exchange of bodily fluids, there is a risk of transmitting infectious agents. However, the body has defense systems in place to prevent infection, though these work better for some infections than others. For example, HIV and hepatitis B are relatively easy to transmit through sexual intercourse, while hepatitis C is not as readily spread sexually.

Similarly, some infections are harder to transmit through kissing than others. HIV is rarely (if ever) transmitted through kissing; when it does occur it probably relates to open sores in the mouth that allow exposure to blood, not just saliva. On the other hand, many other viral infections are easy to transmit by kissing: herpes simplex virus, the cause of cold sores or fever blisters, is a common example. In fact, the illnesses commonly transmitted by kissing, including mono, have a minimal impact on overall health.

The bottom line

While it is true that EBV is easy to transmit from one person to another through kissing, there is usually no recognized illness associated with the infection. Even when mono does follow, complete recovery in a short period is the rule. While “kissing disease” is real, kissing is rarely a danger to your health. [ msn.com ]

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Michelle Obama’s Body-Shaping Workout

Michelle Obama’s Body-Shaping Workout. How to get great guns and gams in 9 minutes or less—just like America’s First Lady! A Women’s Health exclusive.

There’s one piece of information in Washington that’s so coveted you’d think it was deemed classified: how Michelle Obama got those well-toned arms.

But Women’s Health has the scoop—an exclusive interview with the First Lady, and confidential fitness advice from her longtime personal trainer, Cornell McClellan.

Of course, a great body takes effort, even if you’re the woman of the White House. “My whole thing is moderation,” Obama tells us. “I have to exercise and eat in a balanced way. If I start ignoring both, I will put on weight.”

The balanced diet comes courtesy of a lifetime of healthy eating habits, instilled by Michelle’s mom. But the exercise—and those toned, tight triceps? That she owes to McClellan—and her own determination to stay fit. In fact, the exercises, sets and reps he puts Obama through all matter, says McClellan, but a single number trumps them all: 1,872. That’s how many days—give or take a few—Michelle has hit the gym since 1997, the year she started working with McClellan at his Chicago fitness studio, Naturally Fit.

Think about that for a moment: three workouts a week for 12 years, most of which have been performed at 5:30 a.m. Who has that kind of dedication? And what if more of us did? “She’s truly committed herself to the importance of health and fitness,” says McClellan. “That’s the real secret of her success.”

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Of course, just going to the gym won’t lead to Obama-like arms. That’s where McClellan comes in. The foundation of his plan is an intense total-body weight routine that’s made up of compound movements—challenging exercises that work multiple muscle groups. This is the real key for toning the muscles of your arms, shoulders, and legs.

But after McClellan puts the First Lady through her total-body routine, he has her finish her weight session with an “arm-shaping superset.” It’s designed to further sculpt the muscles of her biceps and triceps. Finally, for cardio, the workouts feature bodyweight calisthenics—such as “mountain climbers”—done at a heart- and lung-busting pace that skyrockets fitness levels and burn tons of calories. [ msn.com ]

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She Wasn't Allowing Herself To Complain

She Wasn't Allowing Herself To Complain. Do You Complain Too Much?. Author Valerie Frankel tests the popular program outlined in the book A Complaint Free World and tries to curb negativity, one gripe at a time.

Times are tough. I'd been saying that a lot lately. On the phone with my sister, I was refining the theme in detail, whining about the economy and free-floating anxiety along with the usual daily snafus. Annoyingly, she refused to join in my gripefest. It was so unlike her.

Then she told me she wasn't allowing herself to complain. In fact, the congregation at her temple, inspired by the book A Complaint Free World by Missouri minister Will Bowen, was attempting to stop griping, moaning, and whining en masse.

"For God's sake, why?" I asked.
"No need to put more negative energy out there," she told me. "It does more harm than good." As she continued to explain, and as I later read in the book, Bowen's theory was that complaining only exacerbates problems, individually and collectively.

"When we complain," he writes, "we are using our words to focus on things that are not as we would like. Our thoughts create our lives, and our words indicate what we are thinking. It is vital that we control our minds in order to re-create our lives."

The first step in controlling your mind? Become aware of what comes out of your mouth. By Bowen's logic, once you notice your complaints, you'll start to notice your negative thoughts and can learn to reframe them with more positive ones. Then you'll be happier, healthier, and wealthier.

It sounded ridiculous to me. Complaining was the glue that held my emotional life together. I didn't call it complaining, anyway. It was bonding, commiserating, friendship-building. Sure, I might veer toward the negative, but that was just my personality — and the personality of everyone I knew. Besides, the very concept of doing away with complaints was preposterous. Would not griping about the economy help pay the bills?

Then again, complaining wouldn't pay the bills, either. My sister, not complaining for only one day thus far, hadn't yet noticed a new serenity. Which, I pointed out, was technically a complaint. "You're right," she said, "I have to switch my bracelet now." The wrists-on component of Bowen's prescription: Each time you griped, you had to move a rubber bracelet* from one wrist to the other. The physical reminder focused your consciousness on the quest. On his first day of taking the no-complaint pledge, Bowen switched his bracelet so many times his hands got tired. A few months later, he'd achieved his goal of going 21 consecutive days without complaining.

I doubted I could go 21 minutes.
But I was willing to try — especially since not complaining was free. I'd give it a week, and then assess whether I felt less stressed. My husband, Steve, and daughters — Maggie, 13, and Lucy, 10 — agreed to join the fun (see? more positive already). I had to bribe the kids, offering them $100 at the end of the week, minus one dollar for each complaint. To my ears, all they ever did was complain, so I felt sure I wouldn't owe them a dime.

*A bracelet can be ordered for $1 at acomplaintfreeworld.org — so far, nearly six million have been sent out.

Day One: 100 Wrist Slaps
I complained 10 times before getting out of bed, eight times making breakfast for Steve and the girls, and another five trying to find my keys.

Bowen calls this sort of sotto voce grumbling "ear pollution." But one person's toxic sonic sludge can be another's secret bonding agent.

According to Joanna Wolfe, Ph.D., professor of rhetoric at the University of Louisville, most casual griping, such as commiserating over bad weather, inspires rapport. "Two people standing at a bus stop complaining about the wait is a socially acceptable way to form an instant friendship," she says. In one study of complaining in a group situation, Wolfe's subjects averaged 50 expressions of dissatisfaction per hour, or close to one complaint a minute.

A blistering pace that I easily matched. My rants before we left the house ("out of coffee, again" and "can't you move any faster?") did not seem to bond me to my daughters, though. They flinched when I complained, which I hadn't noticed before in my usual morning haze.

"A risk of complaining," notes Guy Winch, Ph.D., "is being seen as a whiner and facing social rejection or a hostile confrontation as a result." In short, my kids might take it personally whether or not my grousing was aimed at them, a thought that did not fill anyone's heart with joy. But Winch, author of the forthcoming The Squeaky Wheel, is dubious about the complaint-free lifestyle. "Squelching our dissatisfaction is not a recipe for psychological well-being," he says. "Complaining has emotional benefits: the satisfaction of venting as a form of human communication. Complaining just to have something to say is a perfectly acceptable form of social interaction."

Another debatably acceptable form of social exchange is gossip. Bowen's against it, believing that talking about someone's problems behind her back is primarily a way to boost your own ego. "I'm implying that I have no such faults so I'm better than you," he says. In this way, "Complaining is bragging. And nobody likes a braggart."

'Round here, nobody likes a holier-than-thou Pollyanna who refuses to share. Lynn Schlesinger, a psychotherapist in private practice in Summit, NJ, agrees. "Once you get out of middle school, when it can be malicious and dangerous, gossip is usually a variation of exchanging the news with interested parties. Women tell each other stories to connect to their own lives, confirm their values, and validate their opinions."

I recalled the famous Alice Roosevelt Longworth line: "If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, come and sit by me." My feelings exactly.

But — for experiment's sake — I would resist my urge to be catty. My resolve was tested when a friend called to chat. She had news. A woman we both knew — someone widely considered to be a nasty piece of work — was suddenly out of a job. My friend started reminding me of a few choice moments in our mutual past with the unemployed person. I would have loved to join in, but instead I said, "I'm sure she'll land on her feet. I wish her well."

On the other end of the line, crickets.

Then my friend said, "Who are you, and what have you done with Val?"

With us deprived of gossip, the conversation stalled. Bowen was right about one thing: Just as an alcoholic had to avoid his old drinking buddies, I'd have to steer clear of my gossipy friends (i.e., all of them). This did not make me feel happy, healthy, or wealthy. It felt lonely. Not that I was complaining!

After an adjustment period, I was certain that my friends would no longer tempt me with delicious, juicy gossip. I'd have only nice things to say about everyone and everything. Man, was I going to be boring.

Day 1 Complaint Tally: 100, more or less. Rubber burns were forming on my wrists.

Day Two: Circle of Strife
The kids started Sunday morning at each other's throats, fighting over who'd clean up the huge mess they'd made in the kitchen cooking pancakes. I couldn't count their complaints about each other ("mean!" "selfish!" "jerk!") fast enough. In two minutes, they each dropped $20.

I did not intervene. Doing so would have been "triangulation" — in Bowen's book, "when you have an uncomfortable situation with someone but discuss the problem with someone else." It was third-party complaining. To avoid widening the gripe circle, I had to let them sort it out themselves. Which I was happy to do until I saw the incredible mess with my own eyes: Batter everywhere. Egg on the counter. A sink full of crusty dishes. Naturally, I had a few things to say about the condition of the kitchen. After I stopped, I had to move the bracelet back and forth about 30 times before I caught up with my mouth. Maggie went to her bedroom, slammed the door, and started instant-messaging with her friends to complain about me (triangulation!).

I imagine Bowen would have frowned on that. But then again, if teenage girls didn't vent to their friends about their mothers, they would surely grow up to be therapy patients. "Too much bottling up over time intensifies negative feelings and gripes and makes them harder to overcome. That's how you get into significant trouble in relationships," says Linda Sapadin, Ph.D, author of Now I Get It! Advice on Living and Loving.

So, yes, people need to vent. But there are limits, even for teenage girls. Amanda Rose, Ph.D., associate professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri, conducted two studies of 1,600 girls and boys and found that "excessive talking" about problems is linked with depression and anxiety. What's considered excessive: "When girls hash and rehash every detail, talk about problems when they could be doing something else, and spend the vast majority of their time together talking about problems," says Rose.

When Maggie emerged after just an hour of venting, she did seem to be in a better mood (whew, not an "excessive" case). Still, I stared pointedly at her wrist. Since telling her to switch her bracelet would be, in itself, a complaint about her behavior and was therefore illegal, we had resorted to glaring at one another's wrists to signal a switch. Maggie sighed dramatically and moved her bracelet.

Day 2 Complaint Tally: About 50. Not feeling the serenity yet.

Day Three: Cranky = Me
I was determined to get through the next 24 hours without complaint, but the fates tested my resolve first thing. I woke up to find a warm refrigerator. The milk had soured overnight. When Steve poured it into his favorite breakfast cereal, he got a whiff and cursed. I glared at his wrist, and tapped mine with my index finger. He waved a finger at me, too.

We'd had the same fridge problem only six months ago. I felt entitled to a free repair. How to explain my reasoning to the GE rep without complaining? According to Bowen, a statement of fact expressed in a friendly tone was fine. I made the call. The GE rep agreed not to charge for the repair (lulled by my friendly tone?). But she couldn't send a repairman for a week. In my previous life, I'd have expressed my dissatisfaction at gusty length. Instead, I confirmed the appointment, thanked her, and hung up. It wasn't her fault. Blaming is a form of complaining, too. I wondered how to tell Steve the no-fridge-for-a-week news in a non-kvetchy way.

Bowen recommends positive language choices to replace negative-sounding words. You say "problem," Bowen says "opportunity." A "setback" in Bowenese is a "challenge." "Struggle" = "journey." "Demand" = "appreciate." "You did this" = "I created this." "No fridge for a week," I said to Steve. "What a great opportunity to face a challenge on our journey in the life we create for ourselves."

Steve nodded and said, "I'm seeing a lot of pizza in our near future." Since pizza was his favorite food, this was definitely not a complaint. But the optimistic language felt fake — like a politician who ignores facts and just tells you what you want to hear. Who was I kidding?

I called Marty Markowitz, president of the great borough of Brooklyn (a.k.a. home), to ask about semantics versus reality. "You can be optimistic and realistic at the same time," he said. "I know times are tough and people are hurting, but if you've got a sour puss, everyone feels sour along with you. Those of us in leadership positions have to reinforce the positive instead of dwelling on the negative." He encouraged me to count my blessings. Yes, my fridge was broken, but I could afford take-out. I still had a house to keep my broken fridge in.

I tried to channel Marty, to put on a sunshiny puss. But it was a struggle — I mean, a journey. Clearly I had no future in politics.

Day 3 Complaint Tally: A couple dozen.

Day Four: Gag Rule
Experts say it takes at least three weeks to really change a habit. I figured the only way I would get through an entire day without complaining was not to speak at all.

I kept my lips buttoned when one of our cats peed on my hat. I smiled benignly when Last-Minute Maggie informed me that an art project was due tomorrow and I would have to buy her supplies. I nodded when Steve, an actor/musician, announced he had auditions all day and a rehearsal that night and would not be available to pick up the kids from school. I was on work deadline and needed the full day to meet it, which I was not going to get. Just another opportunity on my journey, which I appreciated very, very much.

Bowen believes that bumps (bounces?) will often smooth over if you have faith they will. I took a deep breath and tried to believe something would give. Incredibly, it did. A mom called to set up an after-school playdate with Lucy at her house. That would buy me a nice chunk of time. I thanked her and got down to work.

Hours later, my work finished, I picked up Lucy. The mom greeted me at the door and immediately asked if I'd heard about a flood on the subway and the long delays. Complaining about the subway is a New Yorker's way of saying hello. I shook my head — hadn't heard, no — but kept quiet. Obviously slighted by my failure to engage, she hustled Lucy and me out the door. I felt guilty. She'd done me a favor, and I insulted her.

The evening wore on, but I remained quiet. Maggie worked on her project; Lucy did her homework. I was helpful and patient. The strain was killing me. I got into bed, my bracelet on the same wrist as it had been that morning. I'd done it. Instead of proud, though, I felt frustrated and exhausted.

Steve arrived home much later than expected, smelling like beer. Ordinarily, I'd have had something to say about that. But I kept my mouth shut. As Bowen contends, "jabbering doesn't improve our time with [loved ones], it makes it less precious. Silence allows you to reflect and to carefully select your words...rather than allowing your discomfort to cause you to spout off a laundry list of grievances."

Schlesinger would advise her patients to tell their spouses how they really feel: "If a woman can't complain to her husband about his staying out late and not calling, she'll feel passive and powerless. Expressing only a portion of the full range of your emotions isolates partners from each other, which is how marriages start to fall apart." Complaining in a marriage, she adds, is an effective way to "establish the rules of acceptable behavior."

When Steve got into bed, he braced for a verbal attack — my usual highly effective way to get my real feelings across. He deserved to be read the riot act for having kept me waiting and worrying while he was at a bar with his friends. But I said nothing.

Surprised, relieved, Steve smiled, kissed me, rolled over, and started snoring. I would have loved to kick him awake and spew venom until dawn. Instead I simmered, wide awake, for an hour. I felt frustrated, helpless, depressed — like I'd lost my voice. In silent reflection, I concluded that buttoning my lips might have made my husband happier, but it made me miserable.

Day 4 Complaint Tally: Bitter goose egg.

Day Five: Snap!
We took the kids out for a movie and dinner. The movie? It was a sequel, and we had high hopes. It stank. Steve said, "Well, that was a waste of time and money," and I glared at his bracelet. He shook his head, but switched sides. The complaint-free life seemed designed to suck the fun out of everything, even trashing a lame movie over dinner.

So there we were, staring at our Diet Cokes, not letting ourselves say anything interesting. With no other choice, we all took to eavesdropping on the three people at the table next to ours. One man did all of the talking, about his mother in the hospital — how she hated his girlfriend, who wasn't being supportive of him during this difficult time; how his siblings were shirking their duty toward her; and how she was hardly appreciative of his efforts.

It was painful to listen to, and not only because the guy's life was a disaster. He didn't strike a single hopeful note in his 30-minute spiel. By dessert, his friends looked like they had gone 10 rounds with George Foreman. His complaint-oriented attitude was clearly making his problems worse.

I'd been there myself, having cared for my first husband during a losing battle with cancer. During those awful months, it struck me now, I'd rarely complained. I'd bitten my lip, found my grit, and done what needed to be done. Instinctively, I had stayed positive because only optimism had been conceivable, given the alternative. It had gotten me through the roughest year of my life.

A complaint paradox: When I'd had genuine hardship, being complaint-free had come naturally to me. Looking back, I found myself feeling grateful for what was good about my life. Gratitude did stop complaints in their tracks. If I were ever in a desperate situation again, I was sure I'd assume the same attitude. "A certain mellowness creeps up on you in your 40s," says Schlesinger. "You're less judgmental, and feel deeper gratitude for small blessings."

Maturity might reduce complaining — but only for those of us who weren't born kvetchy. "Genes determine a big portion of your personality," acknowledges Schlesinger. "Even when something wonderful or horrible happens to you, studies show that within six months, you revert back to experiencing the world as you did before. You might be able to willfully limit how much you complain, but you can't reset your genetic code." As for the positivity business — the idea that not complaining can make you happier — Schlesinger says, "People don't operate that way. I agree it's useful to sensitize yourself to how much of a complainer you might be. What makes people colorful and interesting, though, is the full spectrum of emotions. Ask yourself, 'Is it worse to be bitchy or bland?'"

I think we can all agree it is far, far worse — a crime against nature — to willfully force yourself to be bland. Plus, after nearly a week of forcing my family to change their colors, I was decidedly unhappier.

That tore it. I had to end the Bowen-ization of our family. Honestly, what was the harm in trashing a bad movie or indulging in a little gossip? It was fun! And fun felt good, and feeling good was good for the soul. The specter of negative energy hadn't come to get me in my sleep. And it wouldn't, even if I complained about slow service and long lines.

"Airing grievances is far healthier than swallowing them," says Sapadin. "That said, if all you do is wallow, you're operating from a powerless, helpless position. The ideal strategy is to state your complaint, get it out quickly, and then think about solutions. If the problem has no solution, like a traffic ticket, just call it one of life's bummers and move on."

The fridge? A bummer. The drunk husband? Prime target for airing grievances. Last-Minute Maggie's art-supply demands? A problem in need of a solution. A friend with gossip? The only problem there was denying my love of gossip, too. A bad movie sequel? A great opportunity to inspire rapport.

I turned to Steve and said, "You're right. That movie was terrible. The animation was second-rate, and the popcorn was stale. And I'm not switching my bracelet. I'm taking it off and throwing it away."

Steve removed his bracelet, too, and said, "Thank God that's over."

Maggie and Lucy peeled off their bracelets and asked in unison, "What about the money?"

"I'll tell you what," I said. "Why don't you spend what you've got left — and it's not much — buying us dinner?" This brought on a swell of whining that would have eradicated their allotment of dollars in haste. We agreed it was a wash.

Day 5 Complaint Tally: Irrelevant.

Day Six: I'm Baaack
Woke up, bitched at the alarm, yelled at the girls for taking forever to get dressed — and felt like myself for the first time in a week.

I give props to anyone who could be complaint-free. But I am not one of those people. (Nor is my sister. She lasted only two days.) I prefer to express, with my own words, a wide range of emotions — good, bad, and ugly. I'll bet Bowen would think I quit too soon. I say I lasted long enough to gain this insight: Between wallowing and swallowing, there's a solid middle ground. That's where you can find me, even if the food is terrible and the lines are long. [ msn.com ]

READ MORE - She Wasn't Allowing Herself To Complain

Every Woman Should Know About Her Body

Every Woman Should Know About Her Body. I give health advice to everyone: patients, friends and, of course, my 23-year-old daughter. But it doesn’t really stick unless they know the why. I’ve found that if you understand how your body works—say, the effect that getting four hours of sleep instead of eight has on your brain—you’re more apt to make a healthier choice. So I’m going to share some of the info that doctors usually don’t have time to get into: Use it to help yourself feel, look and live better.

What Happens When…You Try a Fad Diet

The Master Cleanse and other restrictive weight-loss plans seem to have become more popular than ever. But let me fill you in on something: After a few days of massively scaling back food intake, your metabolism starts to plummet. That’s because your brain senses that there isn’t enough food coming in. It tells your body to cling desperately to the fat stores it already has, and starts burning lean muscle tissue for fuel—two things that ultimately increase your percentage of body fat. After several days on a very low-calorie diet, levels of omega-3 fats in your brain can fall as well. Around 30 percent of the brain is made up of these fats, and without enough of them, you may be more prone to depression.

How to help your body: The healthiest, most effective way to lose weight is to eat small, balanced meals and snacks every few hours so your brain never goes into that starvation panic mode, and to never, ever drop below 1,200 calories a day.

What Happens When…You Skimp on Sleep

After even one night of four hours’ sleep instead of eight, you’ll feel crankier and generally “down.” You’ll have more difficulty processing complex information, and you’ll want to eat more—specifically simple carbs like sweets. Why? Your body wants a quick energy fix any way it can get it. When you don’t get enough rest, your body also produces less growth hormone, a substance that helps tissues regenerate and repair themselves, keeping you younger longer.

How to help your body: The exact amount of rest your body needs is very personal, but, on average, I recommend women get no fewer than seven hours. Men are a bit needier (as you probably already knew). They have to get closer to eight.

What Happens When…You Eat a Fatty Meal

Once a bacon cheeseburger gets into your system, the saturated and trans fats cause blood vessels to constrict. They stay that way for about four hours—boosting blood pressure and reducing blood flow and oxygen supply. And here’s the kicker: As soon as those tough four hours are up, it’s time for your next meal; choose another fatty one, and the cycle happens again. Someone who eats this way most days is almost always walking around with tightened arteries—a prescription for heart disease.

How to help your body: To feel your best and live longer, make high-fat splurges like this the exception, not the rule.

What Happens When…You Have a Glass of Wine

Piles of studies have linked light drinking—whether it’s wine, beer or the hard stuff—to a healthier heart. One study illuminated the possible reason: After one drink (4 ounces of wine or 1.5 of liquor, not a glass the size of a soup bowl), your blood vessels relax. That’s a good thing, but having a second drink stresses your circulatory system. And it’s worth noting that men have more of an alcohol-digesting enzyme in their stomach than women do. More of the alcohol you drink gets into your bloodstream than it does for men, making you drunker quicker. Once boozed-up blood hits your brain, your reaction time and your ability to process information slow. And your liver gets pulled away from its work of clearing out toxins to focus on neutralizing the alcohol. Research suggests that alcohol may be two to three times riskier for a woman’s liver than a man’s, even when they drink the same amount.

How to help your body: You’re far better off having a glass of wine a day than having none all week and then seven on Saturday night.

What Happens When…You Kiss Someone

Touching a person you love sets off powerful reactions in the body. One study by Swiss researchers found that young women who got brief shoulder rubs from their partners before a stressful event had lower heart rates and levels of stress hormones than women who didn’t get massages. Touching also triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that boosts feelings of closeness and can reduce the perception of pain. All of this happens whether you kiss, cuddle, hold hands or have sex. I say do them all more often. How’s that for a doctor’s order?

What Happens When…You Overdo It on Caffeine

Minutes after you slug back a jumbo java, the caffeine begins to take effect. When you get more than about 250 milligrams (the equivalent of about three 8-ounce cups of coffee) in a couple of hours, your body pumps out stress hormones like epinephrine and cortisol, which increase heart rate, tense muscles and push blood pressure higher. Yes, the surge makes your brain more alert, but if you overdo it, you’re apt to experience a crash later.

How to help your body: To get the most out of your caffeine buzz, have small amounts throughout the day, and keep your total to around 400 milligrams. Just don’t sip it after 3:00 P.M. or it’ll disrupt your sleep.

What Happens When…You Go for a Jog

You may have heard a recent report that exercise does not help you lose weight. It’s a juicy story that makes the rounds every couple of years, but I’m here to tell you: Cardio exercise like jogging, biking, running or fast walking will help you lose weight. I’ve seen it in the research, I’ve seen it in my patients—and I’ve seen it in myself! Aside from all that, it’s good for your entire body and mind. Lace up your sneakers and head out for a jog: Right away, more blood flows to your muscles, and they start working more efficiently. As you continue to work out, you’ll strengthen the muscle fibers in your heart, too. Then the feel-good endorphins you always hear about begin flowing, putting you in a more positive, happy mood. When all this happens regularly, your risk for heart problems and cancer drops. Bonus: Your metabolism will stay high for a few hours after—so you’ll be burning more calories just soaping up in the shower.

How to help your body: Quite simply, exercise is the most powerful drug I’ve ever seen. Get your fix three times a week at least.

What Happens When…You Stub Your Toe

I know—even though it’s just a toe, it kills. Same thing with other minor injuries, like paper cuts. Research suggests you actually have more pain receptors on your skin than a man does, so you literally feel more pain. That said, I find that women have a higher pain tolerance. (Men—especially young men—are wimps! Believe me, they’re the worst group of people to do surgery on.) It’s a coping mechanism that developed largely to help women endure the pain of childbirth (long before the miracle of epidurals, of course).

How to help your body: You’re probably already doing the right thing: Rubbing an owie makes it feel better by stimulating nerves around the injury and sort of distracting your brain. (And go ahead and yowl—a study found cursing may help.

What Happens When…You’re Stressed

Let’s say your boss calls you into her office and says she has bad news. Wham! Your body’s stress response kicks in and the hormones cortisol and epinephrine flow, making your mind hyperalert and speeding up breathing and blood pressure—all to get you ready to either flee the scene or fight whatever danger you’re facing. Once your brain senses that things are OK and you’re not going to be swallowed by a bear—or, in this case, canned—things return to normal. In small doses, this isn’t a terrible thing, but when acute stresses become chronic—say, you’re forced to work late every day for weeks or you’re going through a divorce—cortisol levels get stuck on high, and your body, heart and mind never fully relax. That kind of chronic stress increases your risk of heart disease, depresses your immune system (and mood) and causes headaches, back pain, breakouts, even weight gain. I can look at a woman’s belly and know how hectic her life is—cortisol overload causes your body to lay down fat, particularly around your middle.

How to help your body: Want a double-whammy cure? Exercise. You’ll burn off fat and reduce the stress overload that leads to belly pooch. Even just a 10-minute brisk walk can make a difference.[ msn.com ]

READ MORE - Every Woman Should Know About Her Body